Trails of 2012

Happy New Year!

New ventures, resolutions, promises, gifts, etc make up today for most of you. Today is the day most of you might want to begin something good, forget something bad, plan scores of things you might want to do or achieve in 2013.

I am not going to list mine here, though. The purpose of this post is to say Thank You to those who have made a difference in life, as much as no one ever did. 

2012 did not give me a good headstart, and would have surely ended the same way had you not been there with me. You have shown me a path no one else did, and you have shown me how to tread the path. And let me tell you, it's just awesome!

Let me start from February. It was the beginning of the time I have no memory of, except for all of you. You showed me how to handle a failure. It is still a wonder for me for not having to resort to an addiction - something I  might have done but for you. You showed me how you can change your world all by yourself. You taught me meditation, took me to yoga classes, showed how you can give happiness to yourself, though everything around you reminds you of your failure.

Then, it was you who taught me how to handle relationships. You taught me, that relationships were not what I thought and did, but they most depended on those I din't do. You showed me how being indifferent and courteous can save your relationship from the worst of problems, and how expecting less gives you more happiness. 

Then, you gave me "The Secret", which has surely made a huge difference to the way I think. It is because of you, that I don't mind my failures, and just focus on what I want. Let me tell you again, it works!

I never thought I could live without the stick on fire. And least did I expect, that I would replace it with Hacks or Chewing gum! Who else could have taken such an effort, but you? At first, I was not fully into it. But once I saw everyone being so clear on what I had to do, I made up my mind, and I never thought I'll make it.

More than anything, you all have taught me to be true to myself. I have to tell you, that never before in my life had I been so clear in my thoughts. I was a confused person, believe me guys. I was never able to decide on something without someone advising me, and you guys know that. Today, I can take my own decisions - because I know where I ususally go wrong. I used to think a lot about what others might feel, but today, you have made me realize that what matters is being true to oneself. 

All said and done, I have just one more thing to tell you.

Life is beautiful today, because of you. I know myself even better, I can understand others better, I can speak the language of love even better, I can be a better person. However, I have to tel you I am not perfect. Sometimes I still feel lonely, still feel very bad inside, even said Hi to the stick a few times. I assure you, that though I'm not perfect, I have learnt to be genuine and sincere. And to you, I shall always be.

Thank you for everything. 365 days later, I shall be even better!

Happy New Year! God Bless you!

Turning Point

182 days back, I was building a foundation for the life that I wanted to lead, which I thought was strong enough to hold on for a long time. But the very next day, it fell apart, and the whole world seemed to be collapsing around me. February the 13th, 2012 told me that I needed to start over, with new plans. Today, as I am preparing to fly to India this week, the memories of my previous trip come to haunt me. As though this was not enough, a couple of movie-scenes I saw this morning are adding fuel to the fire.

Having a good memory is good, but sometimes that turns out to be the biggest hurdle in the way of peace. My memory of February 2012 seems like it had been inscribed on rock, and however hard I try, it just doesn't leave. I should say, she just doesn't leave. And I haven't forgotten that time heals everything. Except that it heals sinfully slow.

My investment was huge, at least, to my standards. That's the power of falling in love. You get the courage you never had. You become an entirely new person. You don't mind compromising for her. You don't mind getting scolded, or shouted at. You don't mind being scorned at. You don't mind being pampered. All that, for ten minutes of eye contact with her. Whether anyone may agree with me or not, I must say this worked out perfectly for me. I managed to bring the smile on her face as the last thing before we said bye for the day, and hence, I thought everything was on the right track. And then, February 2012 came. Life as what I knew became history.

I read somewhere, that today, "Being educated is not just being able to learn new things, but being able to unlearn and relearn". Going by that, I can't say I'm educated, because I am still unable to unlearn from what I was, though I have learnt quite a few new things. In spite of my investment, I was happy and on cloud nine most of the times, but this was not how I had wanted that to end. As a matter of fact, I never wanted it to end! Now, I feel like a tree, which was planted, watered, nurtured and cared for till it was about to bear fruit, and then left to dry and then die!

These 181 days have made me realize how important unlearning is. If your mind is a hard-disk, it has to be formatted to write newer things on it (except if you have space, of course - for those who ask mokka questions!). My biggest challenge was and is, of course, the unlearning part. It feels as though I have locked up a room in my house, and I'm afraid to open it and go inside, even to clear up the mess inside it. And I'm scared the room will be locked as long as I am alive.

But I made sure of one thing. I made up my mind to, in order to unlearn her, never resort to the bottles that sell like hot cakes in the duty-free shops at airports, or in the green boarded shops in Tamil Nadu. And, I did  it, thanks to Kuala Lumpur, and the people who had just become friends then. Sometimes I say thanks to time, that this did not happen when I did not have these people around me. If it had, I don't know whether I'd be writing today.

Today, the land  is empty, except for the debris of the mansion that had fallen. Here, there, everywhere, are once-beautiful artifacts that would have colored up our home, lying around as a pile of dead figures waiting to be recycled. And let me tell you, cleaning this mess up is turning out to be a daunting task. But, I'm not alone, thanks to the family we have become here, in Kuala Lumpur.

பொறுத்திரு!

விடையறிந்த தீங்கு

ஆற்றலால் நீங்கும்.

விடையறியா தீங்கு

காலத்தால் நீங்கும்.

இன்றல்ல நாளை,

கசப்பும் இனிக்கும்,

இடைப்பட்ட வேளை,

பொறுத்திரு -  பலிக்கும்!

நான்!

நான்!

நெருப்பில் விரல் சுட்டு,

கடலடியில் மூச்சுத் திணறி,

உற்றாரிடம் உதை வாங்கி,

நண்பர்களிடமும் சொல் கேட்டு,

வெய்யிலில் அலைந்து,

மழையில் நனைந்து,

குளிரில் திவங்கி,

அணுதினமும் பட்டு பட்டு திருந்தி,

நல்ல மனிதனாய் மாறத் துடிக்கும்

இந்த மாணிடக்கடலில்,

நானும் ஒரு துளி!

உறவுகள்!

பசி மறந்து உழைக்கும் தகப்பன்
தனை மறந்து நேசிக்கும் தாய்
உலகம் மறந்து விளையாடும் தம்பி
நேரம் மறந்து சண்டையிடும் தமக்கை
சோகம் மறந்து சிரிக்கவைக்கும் சிநேகிதர் -
இவை அனைத்தையும்விட சிறந்தவளா காதலி?
கேட்டான் அவன்.

என் முகத்தில் சிறு புன்னகை!
"ஆம்" என்று சொல்லாவிட்டாலும்,
ரத்த உறவுகளுக்கு நிகர் காதலி, என்றேன்!

தவறொன்றும் இல்லை.

தாய் தகப்பன் தம்பி தமக்கை
இவர்கள் இறைவனால் கொடுக்கப்பட்ட பரிசு -
நம்மை தாங்கும் தேர்!

நண்பர்கள் காலத்தால் வழங்கப்பட்ட வெகுமதி
நம்மை வழிகாட்டிச் செல்லும் குதிரைகள் !

அவள், என் பயணத்தை என்னுடன் சேர்ந்து புணைய
நானே தேர்ந்தெடுத்த சக பயணி!
என்னைத் தேர்ந்தெடுத்த தேவதை!
நானே எனக்கு கொடுத்துக்கொண்ட விருது - விருந்தும்கூட!

எங்கோ பிறந்து, வளர்ந்து, சமைந்த அந்த மங்கையின்
ஒரு சொட்டு குருதிகூட கலக்காத உறவு
தாய் தகப்பனின் உறவுக்கு நிகர்!

Maya.... Chaaya.... Come back, Sriram.. !!!!

It’s been quite some time since I spent solid hours on the blog. Not that I din’t want to write, but because I din’t think about it. All this time, I din’t know what happened to me, or should I say, what hit me. It is like I was transferred to an entirely new world without a return ticket. It was like I was not going to be the same person again. Everything seemed to be destined, and everyone seemed to be playing in adherence to it. It was so perfect, that I accepted it with all I had, and started to churn out colors that matched up to where I was.

Today, it seems my transfer is over, and here I am, back to what is supposed to be my very own world (or can I say so? What do you really own in this world? Or to be more precise, who?). I was so immersed with the Maya of all that was going on so long, that I have fully forgotten myself. Now when I look back to what I was, I dread being what I am today. Somewhere deep inside me is a guilt, an endless stream of sorrow, that anyone can understand, but no one can help. Here and there are glimpses of happiness, wonderful people who have come across, wonderful places I have been to. But, if you ask me, I should simply have rejected the transfer order! I should have just been satisfied with being me.

Confused? Thinking “is this guy mad?” ? I am, now.

 What I want to do today, is to simply find the lost me. Everything in me has changed. Things I loved doing a few years back, are becoming a burden (most of them already have). Things I hated a few years back have become a habit. I don’t know where it is leading me, but I know one thing for sure, I want to bring back the original me.

It’s not that I am not happy. No. I’ve spent some of the happiest days during these days, felt happier talking to a few people, felt on top of the world when a few things happened, but I just wish that was all. I wish the other things that happened to me never happened at all. I just wish my mobile was switched off on certain days, for it initiated everything.

Life has been both kind and cruel, as with everyone. Just that it teaches you things that schools or colleges don’t. It taught me, too. But, I have learnt it the hard way. Every day is a new lesson these days, believe me or not, and subsequently, each day is becoming a struggle, as I am fighting hard to make sure I don’t lose the guy called Sriram. I will, one day, but till then, it is seriously going to be the ultimate test.

Today, most of the times, I ask myself a question. What is the most important thing in life? What does a person live for? Or Whom does a person live for? What do you mean by being a good human being? Selfless? Magnanimous? What do you exactly mean by falling in love and living up to it? What do you do to be a good son? Why do I work? Why do I live? And so on…..

So friends, I just want to stop thinking about all that. My brain is overloaded (what is missing is just smoke from the head!!). I just want to tell you what life has taught me the hard way.

• ·         Nothing in this world can decide about you. You have to do it yourself
• ·         No matter what you like or whom you like, keep some place in your heart for you, and don't allow anyone inside it. After all, your heart has 4 chambers, that leaves you ample space!!
• ·         Good times and the happiest times can immediately become just an illusion. It just wholly depends on you to materialize it. So, keep your heart in the right spirit.
• ·         Don’t think about what you don’t want to happen. The more you think you don’t want something, the more it will come to you.
• ·         There are some people who can simply walk into your life without permission, screw up your life, and then walk away as if nothing had happened. So, beware. Make sure you have the right people around you.
• ·         There are people who really care for you, who do not try to justify, who really worry about you. Try to reciprocate, because that is the best way to thank them for being with you, and to thank God for having them be with you.
• ·         There is no one in this world as your own. Everyone has his/her own stomach, eyes, mouth and of course, brain and heart!
• ·         If you are in a relationship, never question its genuineness. Because if you do, by the time you get the answer, it will be too late.
• ·         There is nothing in this world as a 50-50 commitment. So, commit into something if and only if you know that you can keep up to it. Especially, if your commitment is going to involve someone else.
• ·         Above all, this is only for the gents out there.. There are two things, which, if you understand, will give you an easy and good life – 1. Yourself and 2. The Girl in your life. Both are the most beautiful topics in the world to understand.

Sorry if this article was a trouble reading. If it is, I’m just trying to be me, checking my second chances in writing.. I hope to improve..

Cheers,

Sriram

The Day has come !!!!!

The day has come!!!

I looked back to what I was doing exactly one year before. Got up at 6 am, finished all my chores in a mixed mood of confidence and apprehension, willingness and anxiety, and wore a new formal dress I brought just two days before, and at 7.15 am, took my files and walked up to Rajeshwari Theatre, Airport Road, Bangalore. Vinai was waiting for me, and we waited for Ananth and Balaji. They came exactly 10 minutes later, and we took an auto to the Grand Ashok.

And when I came back in the evening, all the apprehension and anxiety doubled, but I was happy. I was happy to see myself holding a goodie bag with IBM in bold letters on it. I was happy that I was holding a green IBM employee temporary ID card. I was happy that I now had a salary account in one of India’s best banks. I was happy and tensed at the same time, that I was to work in one of the world’s best companies.

And almost like a flash of a second, when I come back to the present, here I am, sitting at home, tapping the keys of an IBM thinkpad, preparing to write about one of the best days of my life. For the past one year, I have traveled life at a speed of 12 months per month. It just feels like it’s a month in IBM, but my calendar disproves me.

When I count my chickens now, I have a pretty good number. IBM has taught me much. It has taught me what school failed to teach, what college failed to teach, what parents failed to teach. It has taught me to live on my own. Living on your own is one of the best boons you could ever get, and IBM has given me the best among the lot.

I don’t know if any other company would have given me what I have got here. Above all, it has given me very very good friends. I have to mention a few names here. Siva, Balaji, Venkat, Srikanth, Aravind, Shekhar, Swathi, Deepika, Shwetha, Raji, Anusha, Sushruth, Pallavi, Sandeep, Cyril, Arokia among others. I’ll never forget the days I met these people, nor I’ll forget these people for life.

I came to Bangalore with a very depressed mood. Chennai was a bit too harsh on me (not only the heat, but also a few people). Bangalore, as always, made me cool again. IBM, adding to it, made me realize what I am really capable of. I never thought I’d be able to manage the pressure and tension that amounts up working in an application like EUAM. But, IBM made it happen. I had always dreamt of a job as a teacher, like Kamal Hassan in Nammavar, or a director like himself. But IBM told me I can work in software too, that too telecom, that too AT&T, and that too, a billing application, and that too EUAM!!!!

Seriously, I’m enjoying life here now. Bachelor life, month – end crunches, friends with whom you can share everything from money to wrath, getting up late in the morning, going to office without timings like an executive director, staying back in office late nights and fighting among applications to avoid a TR, ordering food at office every night and having a great dinner, occasional cigarettes downstairs, once-a-month party with closest buddies, long telephone chats with friends, mounting up tension when we hit an escalation or a hot Severity 1 bug in UAT, Ken’s calls, IST calls, Pradeep Ganesan’s TRs and Murugesh’s habitual file-processing-only-at-night (Ha! Ha! Ha!, I’m just kidding), not-a-high salary, but pals around to manage money, and above all Swathi, Balaji, Siva,Venkat, Srikanth, Aravind, Sushruth and the one and only manager Veda around, I must say, I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying life, I’m enjoying AT&T, I’m enjoying IBM.


Thanks everyone, without you, life wouldn’t have been life.

P.S: I have more to tell about AT&T and my friends there, and I’ll do that on December 6th.